Forget astrology and reading the messy entrails of sacrificial animals. Data mining is the answer. I’m so excited to bring this awesome new resource to your attention.
No forms to fill out. No long questionnaires like you get in the doctor’s office. Data miners already know all about you from your online browsing patterns. These beneficent folks are not spying on you; they just want to help you to a better life by using sophisticated software to figure out what you need before you need it, and without your having to think, which is such an energy drain.
I have found out so much about myself with this (almost) free and uncannily accurate method of self-analysis, medical diagnosis, and fortune-telling.
I had no idea that I lived in such imminent danger, and that people I don’t know care about me so very much. For example, they are going to make my bathing safer by installing a walk-in tub. How they will fit that into my small RV is a mystery, but maybe they have a deal with the manufacturers of Dr. Who’s Tardis, and they can make this place bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.
All recollections of my military service have escaped. It must have been that hypnotherapy session I had last year that wiped it from my memory. Unfortunately, that means that I’m about to loose my USAA insurance. Having forgotten I was in the military, I must have forgotten to update my insurance. But who am I loosing my insurance on? Some unsuspecting healthcare provider, about to be swallowed by the jaws of a redtape-asaurus? Just askin’. I don’t like to loose anything dangerous on anybody.
I have three pay slips coming to me from a job I had in New South Wales, Australia. They need some of my bank information to do the transfer. Gosh! I don’t remember that place at all. Maybe I’m getting Alzheimer’s.
I’m sure I sent my resume to Middlesex Textiles in London, not Australia, as per their urgent request. They need a sales rep in the United States. They said they’d be glad to employ me to handle the sales & payroll administration to their agents and clients in the USA. Am I supposed to be a sales rep or do payroll? This is getting confusing.
At any rate, Middlesex is ready to send me $300 in salary every Friday, if I’m interested. Their English and spelling seems a little odd. And I thought that Mma was a salutation used in Botswana. Are they now using it in London as well? I’m getting more worried about the Alzheimer’s.
Oh my gosh! What a relief. Fat is not my fault! I had no idea. I thought I was just eating too much. I’m so glad I don’t have to give up my ice cream with chocolate sauce and peanuts.
They suggest I keep my brain active by enrolling in an online class in Excel basics. I know I suck at MS Excel, but how the hell did they figure that out? Do I just look stupid? I’d better take my profile picture down from Facebook.
I didn’t know I needed treatment for my diabetes. I didn’t know I had diabetes. Must have forgotten that too. I wonder if I’ll live until Thanksgiving.
The crime statistics I check periodically must be out of date. ( I’d better alert City-Data.com. They need to update their stats.) It seems that I need a hidden camera. There’s a risk of a child predator in my area. I wonder if it’s a dog-child predator, since all the children in my neighborhood under thirteen have four legs and wag their tails.
A chunk of blue ice or a packet of marijuana is going to fall on my RV in the near future. How do I know this? I know this because they are giving me a coupon for a complimentary three-night stay at a Marriott, and it expires in ninety days. I’m going to print it out and keep it in my possession at all times – just in case. I did read in the local paper that a family down in Nogales had a falling packet of marijuana make a fairly large hole in the roof of their carport last month.
If I am injured in the next ten days, however, they’re giving me a $500 gift card for Walgreen’s and a $50 gift card for CVS. That’ll pay for a s**tload of bandages. Boy am I lucky they thought of this.
I’d better hustle up and enroll in that 50% off roof repair deal so I can save money after the blue ice incident. I think I’d better delay taking advantage of the savings on solar panels until after the roof is fixed.
They are offering me a Copperwear Knee Brace at a great price. But once I get rid of the fat-that’s-not-my-fault, and I get-skinny-without-exercise, I won’t have any more knee pain. On the other hand, such a purchase would support the copper mining industry. I feel it’s my civic duty to bring more jobs to Arizona.
I’m getting really worried about my memory. I can see from my emails that I once was able to read Kanji characters and speak Portuguese, Rumanian, Dutch and French. I remember the French, but not the others. I remember Spanish, but I never get anything in Spanish. Is that why they want me to watch their Rosetta Stone demo? To help me restore my linguistic expertise? Maybe I have a multiple-personality disorder.
But honey, am I ever coming into the money! I just found out this morning that I own an IBC hotel. Another thing that slipped my memory. I can be one of the first independent hotels to opt into new, private channels of captive demand and make my customers keep coming back. Hmmm. Maybe the ten emails I got from hookers this week is part of their marketing plan. Maybe there’s a link. Hire a hooker, get more reservations. I’ll have to get in touch with Sharona, Aida, Annice, Brinn, Sallyanne, Barbette, and Loreen right away. And once I find out where my hotel is, and get acquainted with the manager, I can get him 30-day free access to a Russian-Bride opportunity as a perk of the job.
Oh my! Just this minute they just sent me information on how to end my Alzheimer’s, confirming my self-diagnosis. It must be legit because it’s an “as seen on CBS.” Guess I’ll try it.